August 3rd, 2010
Special to Infauxtainment by George Held
New York, NY (INS) – Alex Rodriguez, All-Star third baseman for the Champion Yankess, has announced his retirement from Major League Baseball. The fabled A-Rod has played his last game and will end his career with 599 home runs, a number he has been stuck on since July 23, 2010.
“I give up,” Rogriguez told Yankees beat reporters when announcing his retirement. “I gave it my best shot, but the pressure is too much. I don’t need all this agita” in trying to become the sixth player ever to hit 600 homers.
Critics of the slugger said that he has never handled pressure well and rarely got clutch hits for Seattle, Texas, or the Yankees, the teams he played for. Vinnie Garbanzo, head of the Bleacher Creatures in the old Yankee Stadium, complained that A-Rod left him doubly frustrated with the team: “First, they raise the prices in the new stadium so high I can’t even afford the bleachers no more, and now that bum Alex Rodriguez gets stuck at 599. I’m glad he’s packing it in.”
But Rodriguez’s fans, including Annette Funicular of the Bronx, say they’ll miss the star. “I ain’t going to anymore games,” she said. “If I can’t see that great bod at third base, if I can’t scream for him to hit the big 600, I’m going to the Jersey Shore for the rest of the season.”
YES, the Yankees Sports Network, is worried about falling ratings without their star in the lineup. YES lawyers are working with Rodriguez’s agent to try to hold him to his $30 million per year contract. But unless he un-retires, A-Rod’s Cooperstown line will read, Homers—599.
About George Held