By George Held
Washington (INS). The Senate Committee on Subversive Activities has brought lefthanded marriage into play in an effort to stop a bill legalizing gay marriage. Arguing that no one is more suspect or queer than lefties, Sen. John Kyl (R-OK) introduced his bill to criminalize marriage between two lefthanders.
“If we are going to even debate the issue of unnatural practices,” the Senator told the committee in session, “we need to start with lefties. They may be only 11% of the population, but they include 38% of the troublemakers,” he said, flourishing a new report from the Gingrich Institute, which outs lefties including Harry Truman, Bill Clinton, and Babe Ruth.
“At least, these rabble-rousers had the decency to wed righthanded women,” the Senator continued. “But can you imagine the potential damage to society if Hillary Clinton was also a lefty?”
“Marriage is an institution reserved for the union of not only a man and a woman but of one righthander with another–or at least between a righty and a lefty.”
Kyl said that gay marriage is more problematic than lefthanded marriage, because gays could pass as straight in some cases. “But lefties,” the Senator opined, “can always be detected by their illegible handwriting or the crazy way they hold their pens or by the way they struggle to use a scissors or to walk and chew gum at the same time. At least Gerry Ford married a righty—Betty Ford used to down her shots with her right hand.”
At press time, Senators were too concerned with policing the lefthandedness in their own families to debate Sen. Kyl’s bill.