By George Held
Winesburg, OH. (INS) – ESPN has announced that LeBron James, the most famous American since Michael Jackson, will hold a prime-time press conference on Thursday, July 8. At that time, most of his 100 million FaceBook friends assume, he will announce which NBA team he will graciously allow to sign him to a $1 billion contract. Now, however, Briney Sudsacker, the Pulse of Ohio basketball authority, tells INS that LeBron has told him that he will instead announce his retirement.
Briney, 65, who coached LeBron to a second-place finish in the Sherwood Anderson Classic for Ohio ten-year-olds, frequently meets James for supper at the Winesburg Pizza Hut, and it was
there just last night that The King let Briney in on his secret.
“He told me,” Sudsacker said, “he’s fed up with the fairy dust, the grueling travel schedule in his private jet and being in the limelight. All this publicity has just gone too far for his natural humility, so he’s going live in prime-time to bow out.”
When asked if he knows LeBron’s plans, Sudsucker said he was sworn to secrecy, but hinted that the key to the future lies in the hoopster’s nickname, The King. After a few more beers at George’s Tavern on Main Street, however, Sudsucker spilled the LeBron beans.
“That young man” he confided, “has always had a religious streak. For him ‘The King’ actuallymeans Christ the King. Get it?
Yep, LeBron is leaving this weekend for a monastery in northern Minnesota, where he is going to become a Carmelite nun.”
As if there wasn’t already enough interest in LeBron’s press conference, ESPN is now expecting the highest ratings in TV history on Thursday at 9 PM. INS (Infauxtainment News Service) will be there with instant reporting on FaceBook, Twitter, and UPS teletype. Stay tuned.